Thumpin’ Thoughts…

This is a rant, mostly at God, so I don’t expect you to read this all…

Lately, how I was raised has been weighing on my shoulders. My childhood perceptions of how God works are peeking through my adult theology. I can’t help but feel like this is God’s way of saying I’m doing something wrong…It’s so stupid that I feel like this because I truly don’t believe He works like this, but my Bible thumpin’ edjoomucation from my childhood is really gettin’ to me. (And this sounds cheesy, sure, but I think It’s one of the ways Satan attacks me.) I can’t find a job here in Oklahoma and I’m watching as our bank account dips haphazardly into the dangerous digits where I’m worried if we’ll be able to make the months loan payments. (BLASTED MCC LOANS!) And the legalistic crap I have to go through to file for forbearance is sickening, so by the time I get all that done we’d be employed…

I just feel so frustrated and discouraged right now. Not just for me, but for Clint. He is so talented and passionate about what he does! He makes things happen in the Children’s Ministry! He builds relationships and reels kids into God’s love. He’s clearly what churches are looking for because he keeps making the short list of all these mega churchs’ final interviews, but in the end something falls through. They say “Pack your bags, you are THE ONE we’ve been looking for….” and then something random happens and they make a cop out excuse for why they aren’t going to hire him. That, or they are honest and say “We’re looking for someone with more experience” which translates into a 30 yr old with 30 yrs of experience as a minister. UGH. organized church just makes me so sick sometimes! How is he supposed to get experience if no one wants to take a chance and invest in him? Blah. He’s wonderful, God has given him a GIFT of connecting with the kids, and any church would be LUCKY to have him work with the kids.  I get so protective of the people I love. (One time, when I was still in high school, I grabbed a girl by the collar and told her she better treat my [big] brother right or get outta town, cuz she wouldn’t wanna hear from me if she breaks his heart…..haha yea I was crazy.) I just want them to see him as I see him, and see the fruits from his work like I have….

I am standing here, trying to hear God’s voice right now, asking for guidance, and assurance, open arms, saying God, we’re yours, send us where you want us…..and then….he sends us to Nebraska, to learn how to deal with the ugly side of church….and then He sends us to move back in with our parents, unemployed for over 2 months…..I’m not picking up on what he’s trying to teach us here…..Humility? Humbleness? bcz God, I am so thankful we have amazing family and food to eat and clothes and a home and I know I take it all for granted…..but don’t you want us to be doing something useful in the ministry?? I love spending time with the Bowles, they are incredible people, filled with the Holy Spirit, God’s love……..and I love wedding planning….but…don’t you want me out making disciples of all men? I feel like such a waste right now. Where do you want us, God?

So that’s my rant I’ve been holding inside, trying to be positive Peggy. And now that it’s out…..no you still can’t call me a negative Nancy bcz I’m still choosing to see the positives. I feel like God’s been protecting us from some things that have been going on in churches lately. After we get rejected, a few months later we see something happening in that church and are thankful we’re not there. Other people our age have had “forced” resignations because of people’s petty ego trips and views on things that are NOT a matter of salvation…..So, Thanks God, if you were protecting us from that…..but that’s not what is going on….what is?

I’d really appreciate some prayers guys. I hate sounding so vulnerable and needy to anyone but God, but the truth is, I need you, friends. and I need your prayers. 🙂

<3hb

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. thefierycrash
    Jul 11, 2011 @ 06:54:03

    i dunno, holly. maybe it’s not god’s “doing” at all. maybe that’s just life. it’s a shitty job market, i can’t imagine churches are fairing all that well either. not to make less of your situation (because i am sure it is an extremely frustrating place to be in), but there are lots of people who are unemployed and who feel like they have talents and passions to give to the world. do you think god really is just trying to teach each of those people some sort of lesson? maybe… maybe not. i guess i just don’t believe that everything has to have a reason. life is unfair and a real bitch sometimes… why should we worry our pretty little heads trying to make sense of it?

    that said, i really do hope you guys can find jobs– ones that you enjoy! has clint tried to think outside the box– is he willing to work with children in any other sort of setting or is he set on being in the church? and trust me, darling– i hate MCC student loans just as much as you!!!!

    Reply

  2. .Hollywould.
    Jul 11, 2011 @ 09:22:10

    I don’t believe that this is exactly how God works, it’s just that growing up, the presumptuous boxed image of God and his ways was slammed in my face, and though I don’t really think I believe he works like that, I feel like Satan uses that to get to me. if that makes sense…it’s kind of like satan is using the cheesy cliches about God to get inside my head and make me blame him for all this….and perhaps I’m being to analytical about this, but I know my weaknesses, and I’m sure satan knows them just as well as I do.I think that the way I felt about this situation when I wrote this, is a weakness on my part, a small pitty party, if you will. I understand that so many other people have it harder than I do right now, and that I’m lucky to have a home/food etc. Clint has thought of other options–ministry is in everyday life, not just in the church–but like you said the economy sucks, and sadly (and STUPIDLY, I might add) the first thing to get cut from budgets seems to be children related, and education funding. When I wrote this I was just trying to blow off steam, because I had just found out that even a snowcone stand doesn’t want to hire me right now….haha I was feelin pretty shitty. But, l found lots of new job openings today so things are lookin up. 🙂

    Reply

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